My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
