Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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