Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
