Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
