we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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