sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
