I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
