I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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