You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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