I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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