Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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