I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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