brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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