I can text with my tongue
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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