you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
