I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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