There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
