Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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