So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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