If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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