I'm jealous of your bromance
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
