i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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