Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
