this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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