I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How external is "for external use only"?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
