You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
