Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
