I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
