She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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