So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
