I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
