y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
