Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
