Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
