dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
