Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize