put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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