I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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