Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
