Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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