I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
