home. puking in laundry basket.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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