So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
