Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
