At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
