if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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