I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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