i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
