and next time when you feel me up, do it right
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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