In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
